I saw a friend today, something hard was happening and our hug offered space for a release of tears and painful energy.

So much info can be given in a hug…

Many hugs are given and received with pure support and love as the motivator.

When this is the case, it’s beautiful, healing, connecting and releases all the good oxytocin hormones that our bodies, hearts and minds need and thrive on.

And often having someone to witness us actually helps us process and release things we aren't able to alone.

But......what if a hug is not all that?

What if…

We don’t really want to hug or be hugged.

And yet…

We offer or receive a hug because we feel we have to….

Because it’s the standard in our community, our family, our social group…

Because it’s expected….

Because the other person will feel bad if we don’t…

I want to offer that if these are the reasons we are giving or receiving a hug, we can stop the hugging.

A hug does not have to be at our expense any more.

When a hug is forced or a have too, no one benefits.

It is damaging.

It is taking from another person.

There is no beauty, no love, it's not connecting and zero oxytocin hormones are being released during that type of a hug.

In fact, the hormones released are stress hormones that can dysregulate our nervous system and cause us to second guess our ability to gauge safety.

If you, your child or a loved one, would rather not hug someone, I invite you to trust your gut and not make a connection or a show of love or support that is not real for you or what you actually want.

And then when we do offer or receive a hug, it is a choice as a willing participant.

Willing to appreciate and receive strength from a hug....instead of us or the other person becoming a stiff board with no feeling, just to make it through a hug.

Have you felt the difference?

I know I have.

And today, when my friend was in so much pain, we both reached for that hug. It was a good, long, healing hug and neither of us wanted to let go. The tears flowed freely and without shame. We said so much to each other in that hug and it was powerful, connecting & healing.

And I can think of other hugs…ones where I went stiff or the person I was hugging went stiff.

Those are moments that offer space to self confront.

Self confronting might be that I:

• Explore my part in the disconnect
• Perhaps I need to use my voice
• Maybe I notice a new layer I can heal
• Sometimes it lets me know where I can give space for others to self confront
• Gives me space to know that their part is not mine and I don’t have to take theirs on myself

As I reflect on the many different hugs I've experienced (and the ones that have come to my mind while writing this email)....

I want to honor the space a hug offers for self confronting.

I also want to honor the type of hug my friend and I experienced. I’ll definitely sign up for more of those type of hugs.

And honor the hugs in between, the ones where we are trying to figure things out.

When do you like hugs? When do you not want a hug? And when is it somewhere in between?

I invite you to listen to what comes up in your body as I ask these questions.

If you want to talk about it, I invite you to reach out, I'd love to share some tools that have helped me and you can see if your body, heart and mind find that tool helpful.

Remember, ❤️

You Matter. Your Healing Matters. You Are Worth It!

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