Have you ever felt left out?

Ya, me too.

And I think it’s really powerful to use mindset tools.

Ones that help me notice where this happens and with whom I feel left out.

Noticing how I might be doing certain things that actually result in making myself feel left out.

And Owning my part in this is powerful work.

For me - here are 3 examples of what I learn through mindset work when I feel left out….

1). I withdraw and take myself out, consciously or unconsciously….

I might feel hurt and then think that I’m not remembered, seen, or important enough. And when I think & feel this, I withdraw, resulting in me making sure I’m left out.

2). I start paying careful attention to what those around me are doing or saying so I can do and say “that” so I can make “this left out feeling” go away. I mold myself to make others want me around. And then, ultimately I still feel left out because I’m not being authentic.

3). I ruminate and find evidence for how this “always happens” and I should just quit trying, or be really mad at and blame the situation or people, and then I don’t actually want any connection, so I tell myself that it’s “fine that I’m left out”.

This is powerful stuff to figure out. And it can help me notice patterns that keep me stuck.

The next step in mindset work, would be to notice that I have another option, which is that…..

I can also be kind to myself, acknowledge my pain and let it pass through my body.

And I also want to honor that if these actions of - withdrawal, paying attention to others, ruminating and all actions leading to feeling left out - are rooted in trauma…..

Then, until I release some of these trauma responses, I actually don’t have the ability to be kind to myself, acknowledge my pain or let it pass.

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I want to honor that my mind can think that this is an option and my logic can tell me that I “could” have this as an option.

But in trauma, my survival system takes over and it actually isn’t an option to be kind, acknowledge or feel any of my pain, because my body will override these because that doesn’t keep me safe.

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In trauma, what does keep me safe is….

Withdrawal (which can be freeze or flee),

Paying attention to others while ignoring self (which is fawning),

Ruminating and looking for evidence (which can be flee or fight).

These are trauma responses that my body has practiced and knows will keep me safe when I am feeling left out.

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Mindset alone can tell me it’s an easy choice, I either go into these old patterns that keep me stuck or I choose to feel, acknowledge and let go.

And sometimes it’s just not that easy. That’s when we know we have trauma in this area of feeling left out.

I’m not bashing mindset work, I use it all the time. But I want to caution us and invite us to notice, the black and white and either/or thinking.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves more choices before we can feel.

We need to do some bottom up work of processing and releasing trauma before we can be kind and let go.

And part of that is to acknowledge and feel and let go. It just looks different from the bottom up than it does top down (mindset work). We use different approaches.

And the choices come in listening to our body, when we listen, she actually gives us lots of choices.

In bottom up work we go into our body to acknowledge, feel and let go. Then the reframes we have gained from the top down have a place to land and take hold within our mind. And our nervous system can then accept and work with the reframes instead of pushing back and going into a trauma response.

What are your bottom up tools?

Remember, ❤️

You Matter. Your Healing Matters. You Are Worth It!

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