I took a picture of the clouds on my drive today because I was struck by all the different types of clouds.

And by all. those. layers.

Some dark and heavy. Some white and bright. Some that were beautiful from where I was sitting.

And it made me think about the layers I’ve moved through while healing trauma.

I’ve gone through layers that felt so dark and black that I thought they might take over. They were scary. And when I was inside them, I didn’t know if I would ever get through them.

Other layers have been filled with aha’s.

Ohhhh…that’s why I do what I do.

That makes sense. Of course I’m responding this way.

Sometimes those realizations have brought so much compassion.

Of course my body protected me that way. Of course I survived the way I did. I didn’t have the tools or resources I have now.
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And other layers haven’t brought compassion at first.

They’ve brought judgment. Disgust. Anger at myself for my reactions. Anger about what happened. Anger that I didn’t know then what I know now.

The layers are complicated.

Nate Postlethwait recently wrote about healing “year after year, layer after layer.” He talked about grieving, living, and celebrating what we’ve overcome. I thought about what he said differently as I looked at these clouds.
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Because from where I am now, I can look back at some of my layers and see details I couldn’t see while I was inside them.

I can appreciate what they taught me and how I’ve intentionally used what I’ve learned from them to create something new and different.

But I also don’t want to romanticize the layers.

A cloud can look beautiful from a distance while being completely disorienting when you’re inside of it.

Healing can feel that way too.

Because when I’m actually inside another layer, I don’t necessarily like it any more than I liked the last one.

Even with all the healing I’ve done.

Even with all the tools I have.

Even though I literally teach other people how to do this.

(Sometimes that actually becomes part of my judgment).

You know how to do this.

You teach this.

Why are you still experiencing this?

Hello, imposter syndrome….

It’s easy for me to wonder if all the work I’ve done even mattered. Has healing actually helped me if I’m back here again, feeling stuck in something that feels this crappy?

Does any of that sounds familiar?

My draw in those moments is often to do something.

Find the tool. Regulate. Move it through. Get out of it faster.

And there has been an important part of my healing where I’ve learned that I don’t have to stay stuck in something for days, weeks, or months. My body can move through things. I have tools and resources now that I didn’t have before.

And…. I’m also learning that moving through something doesn’t mean moving through it as quickly as possible. ​
(Even though I want it to be over as soon as it starts…)

Sometimes the healing is letting myself acknowledge:

This feels crappy.

I don’t like being here.

I wish this layer wasn’t here.

And then giving this particular layer the space it needs rather than comparing it to the last one.

Maybe I moved through one layer in a day.

And the next one takes two days.

Maybe another takes a week.

That doesn’t erase what I’ve already healed. And it doesn’t mean my tools stopped working.

Each layer gets to be its own layer.

I don’t have to hold it up against the one before it and decide whether I’m healing well enough, fast enough, or correctly enough.

I can give this layer its own space and its own timing to move through my system.

And THAT is something that has changed for me.

I trust myself differently now.

There were layers when I genuinely didn’t know if I would make it through. Thankfully, there was an inner wisdom in me that knew more than I consciously knew. It helped me find people, tools, and resources that could support me when I couldn’t support myself.

Now, I don’t have to know how long the clouds will last to know that I’ve been inside clouds before.

I don’t have to see the whole sky to trust that there is more sky beyond what I can see right now.

Maybe that’s part of healing too.

Not getting rid of all the layers—or becoming so good at healing that we race through them.

But learning how to live in our bodies while we’re inside them.

Giving each layer the space it needs.

Grieving some. Understanding some. Celebrating some.

And trusting ourselves a little more as we move through each one.

What layer are you in right now?

If you feel stuck there and aren’t sure how to move through it, my Basic Foundation program was created to help you learn how to work with your body rather than fighting, judging, or rushing it.

You don’t have to know how to get through the whole layer before asking for support.

Click this link to learn more about Basic Foundation and see if it’s the next layer of support you’re looking for.

Remember, ❤️

You Matter. Your Healing Matters. You Are Worth It!

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